Failing at humanity

I read an article yesterday that made me cry. Not a dainty, dab my eyes with a kleenex cry, instead I sobbed on my son's shoulder while he looked down at me in confusion.

It was an article a friend of mine shared on Facebook. I clicked the link and was horrified by the juxtaposition -- a group of friends, all in their late teens, posing for the camera; one with a huge grin. The picture could have been taken anywhere. At the beach, playing soccer, just plain hanging out. Instead they were in a well lit room, surrounding a fellow teenage boy. They're grinning, mugging for the camera. He's crouched on the ground in his underwear, splattered with paint, and clutching a sex toy. Soon they're going to torture him to death, simply because he's gay.

How does this happen? How could they look into the eyes of a fellow human being and see nothing but an object to vent their frustrations? He'd done nothing to them, nothing except merely exist. They're the ones who hunted him down, searched him out on a social network site, and coaxed him into meeting them. I look into their eyes and see no sign of shame or remorse; nothing that says they feel they're doing anything wrong.

Since this happened in Russia, they aren't going to learn what they did is wrong. Putin has ruled that anything positive said about gays is against family values, so even someone saying this teen had done nothing to them, that it was okay for him to simply be himself, could get that person arrested. I'm not nearly naive enough to think this is a random occurrence, or even just in Russia. I know it happens world wide. And this is where we've failed as human kind.

People talk about defending family values. Family? It's been said often enough before, it's us straight people having the majority of kids. These are our children, our siblings, our cousins. This is our family. If people truly want to protect families, they should include all the members. I've got two teenagers. When I gave birth, I vowed to them that I'd always love and protect them. There wasn't a clause in there that said "as long as you grow up to marry someone of the opposite sex and give me grandbabies". That was my choice to marry their father and have kids; they will make their own choices. And the gender(s) you're attracted to isn't a choice at all.

I wish we lived in a world where everyone was brought up with love, kindness, and compassion. I wish we lived in a world with true family values, the ones where you love every member of your family, not just the people who are the same as you. I wish we lived in a world where those teenagers never even bothered to search that boy up on social media because, hey, who cares if he's gay. And I really wish I had some answers, because I'm heartsick of reading about atrocities.

On friend-zoning, nice guys, and the rape culture

 "Friendzoning" is bullshit because "Girls are not machines that you put Kindness Coins into until sex falls out." - Aeryn Walker

My son made a comment using the term "friend-zoned" today and I told him it doesn't exist; there is no such thing. Friend zoning assumes that the person (usually female) would have been romantically interested in another person (usually male) except somehow she got sidelined into thinking of him as just a friend and can't pull him out of that category anymore. He could have had a chance if it wasn't for her silliness.

I told my son that people who think that they've been "friend-zoned" need to grow up and face reality. There is no law that says just because you love someone romantically, they have to like you back. Even if they like you enough enough to be friends, they don't have to love you. That's called a crush, it happens and that's okay. No one dies from a crush.

Friend zoning often seems to happen to the self-proclaimed "nice guys". The ones who insist they treat women well but never get what they deserve. That makes them creeps, not nice guys. If you're treating a woman well just so you can have sex, you're not treating her well at all. You're seeing her as nothing more than an object, a means to your own personal gratification.

Which leads to the whole rape culture. We live in a society where women are taught how to protect themselves from rape. Don't wear overly tight clothes, or clothes that are too low cut or too short. Don't go outside at night, especially on your own. Don't go places alone like trails or laundry rooms or parking garages. And if a woman's assaulted, the first reaction is to wonder what she did wrong. Did she follow the rules?

What we need to do is teach the boys. We need to teach them they are better than this. We need to teach them to respect themselves and others. We need to teach them they are responsible for themselves. We need to teach them that no means no all the time. It doesn't matter if he's two seconds away from penetration. The words "no, stop" mean exactly that. We need to teach them that no one is "asking for it". No one. It doesn't matter if she's walking around naked, she's not asking to be raped. As soon as someone's drunk, the ability to consent is gone. I don't care if she's saying "I want you, lets have sex now". If she really means it, she'll mean it tomorrow and it'll be that much more special if she remembers it or doesn't throw up on you. And if she's so passed out she's non-responsive, you take her to the hospital, not your bed.

And we need to teach the girls they are worth more. They can say "no" without being frigid. They can say "yes" without being a slut. Their worth as a human should not be defined by who's been between their legs and they should give that same worth and respect to others. And we need to teach them that boys can say "no" too. No means no, no matter what gender is speaking and if he's drunk he can't consent either.

We need to treat our children equally when it comes to where they go and how late they stay out. We need to treat them equally when it comes to teaching them about sex and sexuality.

I am leaving a link with a video here. It's worth reading and it's definitely worth sitting down and viewing with your teens. The video shocked me, there are boys my son's age joking about raping a drunk and unconscious teenage girl while laughingly wondering if she's dead. But the video covers, in plain language, exactly why this is wrong and how boys should act instead.

A Horrifying Thing Happened In Ohio. Not Being Creepy Could Prevent It From Happening Again.

Beginnings and endings

My son and I took the bus to our new neighbourhood on Saturday. We walked around looking at local shops while I handed out resumes then took a walk around the outside of our new building and through the nearby park. Both of us agreed we couldn't wait until we moved. Everything is so close by and convenient. Three grocery stores, a big drug store, a mall, pet supply stores, bakery... the library just a walk through the park... conservation area a short bike ride away.

That night I packed a few more boxes and wondered at how quickly our home is turning into just another apartment. Each box removes a bit more personality. I looked forward to pulling everything back out in a few weeks and making our new apartment a home. Our days here are ending and our lives in a new home are about to begin.

On Sunday, son and I walked to my work to pick up a big packing box. Soon we noticed flashing lights ahead and a police car parked on the sidewalk. Then police tape came into view. My heart sank, and I commented to son that I hoped nothing happened to the elderly couple in the first house. We drew closer and realized it wasn't their house, it was the house my friend's ex-husband used to live in. Him and his girlfriend moved less than a year ago. They have shared custody and that was the night he always had the kids.

We walked past and looked at the damage. The front of the house looked the same but there were huge holes burned through the roof and the windows on the east side were charred and broken. I hoped no one was home and we continued on our way. Of course, before long we were informed by several people that three adults had died in the blaze. A tragedy for sure, but it didn't directly affect us. I was mainly relieved my friend's children weren't living there when the fire broke out.

I had a short shift at work yesterday and the phone rang within minutes of me coming home. It was my son and he was clearly in tears. He wanted to come home. Could he please come home? I, of course, asked why. 

"Mom, Hollie died. She was in the house that caught on fire and she died. Please let me come home."

We talk about how teenagers think they're immortal but that belief extends to adults too. I never thought I'd have to comfort my children over the death of a classmate, a peer, a friend. We walked home in the rain, while my son asked me all the hard questions. Why did she die Mom? Did she hurt? Why do bad things happen to good people? Could I have made a difference? What if I'd been allowed to be outside until after midnight? Could I have seen it and saved them? How come the fire hydrant didn't work? Who's supposed to check them? Why couldn't they get out? Why didn't the landlord have safer stairs?

We go through life blindly assuming everything will stay the same. If things don't work out today, we'll have another chance to make things better tomorrow. Like life has a guarantee. Hug the people you love today, tell your kids you love them, show your friends you care. As I told my son, there isn't a reason why. There's no one sitting there deciding who is going to die and who will live. Sometimes life plain stinks. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes wonderful things happen to bad people. All we can do is try our best to be good to the people around us. If their lives are going great we can make them even better. Otherwise, we can try to be a bright spark on a gloomy day.

Rest in peace kids... I hope you were aware in life how much you meant to so many people.