"Friendzoning" is bullshit because "Girls are not machines that you put Kindness Coins into until sex falls out." - Aeryn Walker
My son made a comment using the term "friend-zoned" today and I told him it doesn't exist; there is no such thing. Friend zoning assumes that the person (usually female) would have been romantically interested in another person (usually male) except somehow she got sidelined into thinking of him as just a friend and can't pull him out of that category anymore. He could have had a chance if it wasn't for her silliness.
I told my son that people who think that they've been "friend-zoned" need to grow up and face reality. There is no law that says just because you love someone romantically, they have to like you back. Even if they like you enough enough to be friends, they don't have to love you. That's called a crush, it happens and that's okay. No one dies from a crush.
Friend zoning often seems to happen to the self-proclaimed "nice guys". The ones who insist they treat women well but never get what they deserve. That makes them creeps, not nice guys. If you're treating a woman well just so you can have sex, you're not treating her well at all. You're seeing her as nothing more than an object, a means to your own personal gratification.
Which leads to the whole rape culture. We live in a society where women are taught how to protect themselves from rape. Don't wear overly tight clothes, or clothes that are too low cut or too short. Don't go outside at night, especially on your own. Don't go places alone like trails or laundry rooms or parking garages. And if a woman's assaulted, the first reaction is to wonder what she did wrong. Did she follow the rules?
What we need to do is teach the boys. We need to teach them they are better than this. We need to teach them to respect themselves and others. We need to teach them they are responsible for themselves. We need to teach them that no means no all the time. It doesn't matter if he's two seconds away from penetration. The words "no, stop" mean exactly that. We need to teach them that no one is "asking for it". No one. It doesn't matter if she's walking around naked, she's not asking to be raped. As soon as someone's drunk, the ability to consent is gone. I don't care if she's saying "I want you, lets have sex now". If she really means it, she'll mean it tomorrow and it'll be that much more special if she remembers it or doesn't throw up on you. And if she's so passed out she's non-responsive, you take her to the hospital, not your bed.
And we need to teach the girls they are worth more. They can say "no" without being frigid. They can say "yes" without being a slut. Their worth as a human should not be defined by who's been between their legs and they should give that same worth and respect to others. And we need to teach them that boys can say "no" too. No means no, no matter what gender is speaking and if he's drunk he can't consent either.
We need to treat our children equally when it comes to where they go and how late they stay out. We need to treat them equally when it comes to teaching them about sex and sexuality.
I am leaving a link with a video here. It's worth reading and it's definitely worth sitting down and viewing with your teens. The video shocked me, there are boys my son's age joking about raping a drunk and unconscious teenage girl while laughingly wondering if she's dead. But the video covers, in plain language, exactly why this is wrong and how boys should act instead.
A Horrifying Thing Happened In Ohio. Not Being Creepy Could Prevent It From Happening Again.
An optimist's view on life... one step at a time...
Showing posts with label safety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label safety. Show all posts
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Beginnings and endings
My son and I took the bus to our new neighbourhood on Saturday. We walked around looking at local shops while I handed out resumes then took a walk around the outside of our new building and through the nearby park. Both of us agreed we couldn't wait until we moved. Everything is so close by and convenient. Three grocery stores, a big drug store, a mall, pet supply stores, bakery... the library just a walk through the park... conservation area a short bike ride away.
That night I packed a few more boxes and wondered at how quickly our home is turning into just another apartment. Each box removes a bit more personality. I looked forward to pulling everything back out in a few weeks and making our new apartment a home. Our days here are ending and our lives in a new home are about to begin.
On Sunday, son and I walked to my work to pick up a big packing box. Soon we noticed flashing lights ahead and a police car parked on the sidewalk. Then police tape came into view. My heart sank, and I commented to son that I hoped nothing happened to the elderly couple in the first house. We drew closer and realized it wasn't their house, it was the house my friend's ex-husband used to live in. Him and his girlfriend moved less than a year ago. They have shared custody and that was the night he always had the kids.
We walked past and looked at the damage. The front of the house looked the same but there were huge holes burned through the roof and the windows on the east side were charred and broken. I hoped no one was home and we continued on our way. Of course, before long we were informed by several people that three adults had died in the blaze. A tragedy for sure, but it didn't directly affect us. I was mainly relieved my friend's children weren't living there when the fire broke out.
I had a short shift at work yesterday and the phone rang within minutes of me coming home. It was my son and he was clearly in tears. He wanted to come home. Could he please come home? I, of course, asked why.
"Mom, Hollie died. She was in the house that caught on fire and she died. Please let me come home."
We talk about how teenagers think they're immortal but that belief extends to adults too. I never thought I'd have to comfort my children over the death of a classmate, a peer, a friend. We walked home in the rain, while my son asked me all the hard questions. Why did she die Mom? Did she hurt? Why do bad things happen to good people? Could I have made a difference? What if I'd been allowed to be outside until after midnight? Could I have seen it and saved them? How come the fire hydrant didn't work? Who's supposed to check them? Why couldn't they get out? Why didn't the landlord have safer stairs?
We go through life blindly assuming everything will stay the same. If things don't work out today, we'll have another chance to make things better tomorrow. Like life has a guarantee. Hug the people you love today, tell your kids you love them, show your friends you care. As I told my son, there isn't a reason why. There's no one sitting there deciding who is going to die and who will live. Sometimes life plain stinks. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes wonderful things happen to bad people. All we can do is try our best to be good to the people around us. If their lives are going great we can make them even better. Otherwise, we can try to be a bright spark on a gloomy day.
Rest in peace kids... I hope you were aware in life how much you meant to so many people.
That night I packed a few more boxes and wondered at how quickly our home is turning into just another apartment. Each box removes a bit more personality. I looked forward to pulling everything back out in a few weeks and making our new apartment a home. Our days here are ending and our lives in a new home are about to begin.
On Sunday, son and I walked to my work to pick up a big packing box. Soon we noticed flashing lights ahead and a police car parked on the sidewalk. Then police tape came into view. My heart sank, and I commented to son that I hoped nothing happened to the elderly couple in the first house. We drew closer and realized it wasn't their house, it was the house my friend's ex-husband used to live in. Him and his girlfriend moved less than a year ago. They have shared custody and that was the night he always had the kids.
We walked past and looked at the damage. The front of the house looked the same but there were huge holes burned through the roof and the windows on the east side were charred and broken. I hoped no one was home and we continued on our way. Of course, before long we were informed by several people that three adults had died in the blaze. A tragedy for sure, but it didn't directly affect us. I was mainly relieved my friend's children weren't living there when the fire broke out.
I had a short shift at work yesterday and the phone rang within minutes of me coming home. It was my son and he was clearly in tears. He wanted to come home. Could he please come home? I, of course, asked why.
"Mom, Hollie died. She was in the house that caught on fire and she died. Please let me come home."
We talk about how teenagers think they're immortal but that belief extends to adults too. I never thought I'd have to comfort my children over the death of a classmate, a peer, a friend. We walked home in the rain, while my son asked me all the hard questions. Why did she die Mom? Did she hurt? Why do bad things happen to good people? Could I have made a difference? What if I'd been allowed to be outside until after midnight? Could I have seen it and saved them? How come the fire hydrant didn't work? Who's supposed to check them? Why couldn't they get out? Why didn't the landlord have safer stairs?
We go through life blindly assuming everything will stay the same. If things don't work out today, we'll have another chance to make things better tomorrow. Like life has a guarantee. Hug the people you love today, tell your kids you love them, show your friends you care. As I told my son, there isn't a reason why. There's no one sitting there deciding who is going to die and who will live. Sometimes life plain stinks. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes wonderful things happen to bad people. All we can do is try our best to be good to the people around us. If their lives are going great we can make them even better. Otherwise, we can try to be a bright spark on a gloomy day.
Rest in peace kids... I hope you were aware in life how much you meant to so many people.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Childhood innocence and parental fears
I sat in my work's break room a few days ago. Newspapers were spread across both tables, each one had photos of Tori Stafford plastered across the front page. I commented how horrible it was that Tori's mother was being lambasted for allowing her 8 year old daughter to walk alone from school, the response I got was a shrug and "that's what society's like these days, kids don't walk home alone".
That angers me. We live in a society where obesity rates for children rise yearly. Local parks (in some neighbourhoods) are empty while the children play in daycare or sit inside playing video games. I used to go on a Canadian parenting forum and remember this discussion coming up on one of the boards. Many parents expressed fear of letting their children out of eyesight, gingerly allowing them to walk one or two houses down to play with friends. One mother admitted her twelve year old was not allowed to walk across the street to the neighbourhood store alone despite the fact the store was clearly visible from their kitchen window and the street was quiet.
What are we teaching our children? The world is a dangerous and scary place with criminals waiting on every corner to hurt and kill us. They're not capable of making responsible decisions without their parents right there to supervise. I sometimes wonder how that mother of a 12 year old is managing her child's entry into high school and, likely soon, admission to college or university. Will she insist on holding her daughter's hand right through the admission, like so many parents are doing these days?
Stranger abduction and murder is terrifying but we need to remember that out of all the children who are sexually assaulted and/or murdered, the vast majority happened at the hands of people they knew and trusted (usually relatives). The reason stranger abduction is so memorable is because it's rare.
As I'm writing this, my 14 year old son is outside rollerblading on his own. His only rules are to be careful while crossing the road and to be back before dark. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I worry every time he heads out on his own. But that worry is mine. I need to own it. And I think that's the biggest issue. We, as parents, are not owning our fear. Instead we're passing it on to our children.
Instead of clinging to our children, we need to give them the tools they need to thrive and let them go. There are numerous articles and books out there on teaching kids about strangers and dangerous situations. I freely admit I have not read most of them.
I remember smiling at a child and saying "hi" when I was a teenager, only to have that child look fearful and back away. My Mom commented it was probably because I was a stranger and the child was likely taught to be scared of strangers. At that point I realized how idiotic that idea was. Almost everyone in this world is a stranger to most of us, that doesn't make most of them scary or dangerous.
A friend of mine called me up when our children were young. She'd just watched a video on child abductions and it showed how easy it was to lure a child away. Then she asked her son what he'd do if someone said they had Pokemon cards in their car. He replied he'd go with them to get the cards. That was when I started talking with my kids. No adults ever keep cards in their car to give kids. No adults drive around with puppies or kittens in their back seat. Adults don't ask kids for help, they ask other adults for help. They might ask if you've seen a kitten or puppy but they're not going to ask you to look for one. And the biggest one, you never go anywhere without telling Mommy. It doesn't matter who shows up, you come and tell me first.
We talked and I listened. We covered what happens if someone gets lost in a store or a mall. It took one instance of my son thinking a custodian was a police officer to convince me not to tell them to go to a police officer. Instead I taught what a police officer suggested, to go into a store "glue" their hand to the front desk and tell the staff member they were lost. And not to "un-glue" their hand until I showed up or a police officer arrived. If they got lost away from a store, go to someone with kids. And above all else, to trust their instincts.
My son talks to everyone. We went out shopping yesterday in a neighbouring town and two separate people waved to him out of car windows during our 5 minute wait for the bus. We're constantly running into people who know him by name... people I've never met. If I kept him sitting in front of the Wii all day, he wouldn't have those experiences.
Nothing will ever bring back the lives of the handful of children who have died at the hands of strangers. Nothing will ever ease the pain of their families. But raising a generation of children who have never walked to the corner store on their own or talked to an adult neighbour without supervision is not the answer.
That angers me. We live in a society where obesity rates for children rise yearly. Local parks (in some neighbourhoods) are empty while the children play in daycare or sit inside playing video games. I used to go on a Canadian parenting forum and remember this discussion coming up on one of the boards. Many parents expressed fear of letting their children out of eyesight, gingerly allowing them to walk one or two houses down to play with friends. One mother admitted her twelve year old was not allowed to walk across the street to the neighbourhood store alone despite the fact the store was clearly visible from their kitchen window and the street was quiet.
What are we teaching our children? The world is a dangerous and scary place with criminals waiting on every corner to hurt and kill us. They're not capable of making responsible decisions without their parents right there to supervise. I sometimes wonder how that mother of a 12 year old is managing her child's entry into high school and, likely soon, admission to college or university. Will she insist on holding her daughter's hand right through the admission, like so many parents are doing these days?
Stranger abduction and murder is terrifying but we need to remember that out of all the children who are sexually assaulted and/or murdered, the vast majority happened at the hands of people they knew and trusted (usually relatives). The reason stranger abduction is so memorable is because it's rare.
As I'm writing this, my 14 year old son is outside rollerblading on his own. His only rules are to be careful while crossing the road and to be back before dark. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I worry every time he heads out on his own. But that worry is mine. I need to own it. And I think that's the biggest issue. We, as parents, are not owning our fear. Instead we're passing it on to our children.
Instead of clinging to our children, we need to give them the tools they need to thrive and let them go. There are numerous articles and books out there on teaching kids about strangers and dangerous situations. I freely admit I have not read most of them.
I remember smiling at a child and saying "hi" when I was a teenager, only to have that child look fearful and back away. My Mom commented it was probably because I was a stranger and the child was likely taught to be scared of strangers. At that point I realized how idiotic that idea was. Almost everyone in this world is a stranger to most of us, that doesn't make most of them scary or dangerous.
A friend of mine called me up when our children were young. She'd just watched a video on child abductions and it showed how easy it was to lure a child away. Then she asked her son what he'd do if someone said they had Pokemon cards in their car. He replied he'd go with them to get the cards. That was when I started talking with my kids. No adults ever keep cards in their car to give kids. No adults drive around with puppies or kittens in their back seat. Adults don't ask kids for help, they ask other adults for help. They might ask if you've seen a kitten or puppy but they're not going to ask you to look for one. And the biggest one, you never go anywhere without telling Mommy. It doesn't matter who shows up, you come and tell me first.
We talked and I listened. We covered what happens if someone gets lost in a store or a mall. It took one instance of my son thinking a custodian was a police officer to convince me not to tell them to go to a police officer. Instead I taught what a police officer suggested, to go into a store "glue" their hand to the front desk and tell the staff member they were lost. And not to "un-glue" their hand until I showed up or a police officer arrived. If they got lost away from a store, go to someone with kids. And above all else, to trust their instincts.
My son talks to everyone. We went out shopping yesterday in a neighbouring town and two separate people waved to him out of car windows during our 5 minute wait for the bus. We're constantly running into people who know him by name... people I've never met. If I kept him sitting in front of the Wii all day, he wouldn't have those experiences.
Nothing will ever bring back the lives of the handful of children who have died at the hands of strangers. Nothing will ever ease the pain of their families. But raising a generation of children who have never walked to the corner store on their own or talked to an adult neighbour without supervision is not the answer.
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