Ethics, rights, empathy, and fried chicken

A couple of weeks ago my son came up to me. He was furious with Tide for discriminating against men. I haven't seen their ad as I don't watch TV, but my son explained they showed women doing a variety of household chores while thanking them for using their products. It wasn't fair that they didn't share clips of men doing household chores while thanking them.

I tried to explain to him that women, overwhelmingly are stuck with the day to day chores. Chores which no one seems to notice, let alone offers thanks for a job well done. Even in families where both the man and the woman work, the woman still has the majority of the chores land on her shoulders. Son found this hard to grasp. He lives in a house run by me, his single Mom, and he doesn't see his father often. To him, life is pretty much run by women and he's the one scrubbing dishes while I call him on the way home from work saying, "I'm on the last bus, please make sure they're done before I get there."

The discussion ended with frustration on both sides. Frustration for son because I didn't understand how he felt and frustration on my side because he wouldn't listen to what I was saying and understand the facts. Neither of us got anywhere.

Around the same time as our discussion, I began seeing discussions about Chick-fil-a on Facebook, in the online news, and on a forum I frequent. Before this I'd never heard of the restaurant. We don't have it in Canada. The basic issues of unfairness and discrimination reminded me of the discussion I'd had with son; along with the feelings of frustration on both sides.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, helped along by copious amounts of Facebook pictures, comments, online articles, and discussions, and have finally organized my thoughts enough to share.

My first thought is on rights. We talk a lot about our rights as a society in general. When you get right down to it though, none of us have rights. We have privileges based on where we live. Just ask an Iranian woman who was a university student in the 1960's if she still has the same rights she had back then. Human rights only exist when the majority of people are willing to treat everyone relatively equally and fairly and create and follow laws to uphold those values.

That being said, I am strongly for equality and fairness. I think a society should be judged on how well the weakest members are treated, not the strongest. I feel that all people should have the right to live their lives fairly and peacefully and that children should be protected. Rights are not something that happens automatically. They are something to strive and work for. And they are worth working for.

Tightly tied to rights comes the concept of discrimination. Discrimination is being treated less than equally compared to others around you. The key words there are "less than equally". I had an interview at a fast food restaurant that ended when the owner of the store realized I was a single mother. She seemed interested in hiring me right until then. I was a great prospective employee right up until "So what does your husband think about you working?" "You don't have a husband? But you have kids. Oh. Thanks for coming in. We don't have a position for you." That's discrimination. Granted, I did nothing about it but I couldn't see the point in trying to fight to work at minimum wage for a busy body who was that interested in my personal life.

Less than equally also means in similar situations. It's discrimination if you're getting less hours at work because of your religion or skin colour. It's not discrimination if you're getting less hours at work because you show up 10 minutes late every day and call in "sick" two Fridays a month.

I am also tired of hearing about discrimination where it's being defined as "I used to get special privileges above everyone else. Now I'm expected to be treated equal to others, that's discrimination". Some handy tips to distinguish between discrimination and wanting special privileges. Discrimination is being told that you cannot pray silently to yourself in a public place or that you cannot marry another consenting adult due to gender. Wanting special privileges is when you're fighting to keep other consenting adults from getting married because it's against your beliefs or insisting that a court house is the perfect place to showcase the 10 commandments because you feel everyone else should live by your beliefs. Discrimination is a lack of acceptance for your beliefs while wanting special privileges is a lack of acceptance for other's beliefs.

And, while I'm on the topic, a lack of religious displays is not discrimination or pandering to atheism (a complaint I've heard before). A public place with no religious displays is simply a public space. Last time I checked, the library and local park were not hotbeds of atheist activity due to lack of religious symbols. If you ever see a public building with a giant scarlet A prominently displayed and the third Humanist manifesto carved in the wall, you can talk to me then about discrimination.

Also, the reason of "it's always been done this way" isn't a reason either because nothing has "always been done this way". Even if you've had every single person in the room pray before a public meeting for the past 20 years... twenty is not the same as always. And in 20 more years people will be equally convinced that meetings have "always" started without a prayer. Don't think I'm right? Listen to the people in the States who claim there's "always" been the words "In God we trust" on their money then do your own research.

The twin excuses of "it's always been done this way" and "these are my religious beliefs and you can't discriminate against them" are playing out almost daily in the States lately to the detriment of both gays and women. Like I said above, discrimination is when you are personally being affected by someone else. Wanting special privileges is when you want to be treated above others because, in your mind, your beliefs are more important than others' rights. If you personally are against birth control, the answer is simple. Don't use freaking birth control. But you have no right or reason to ban others from using it because you don't like it. Your religion keeps you from even prescribing birth control. Don't get a job where you'll need to prescribe it. If you want to be a doctor, specialize. I'm willing to bet that ophthalmologists and gerontologists are never asked to prescribe birth control.

As I mentioned above, around the same time my son was upset with Tide, there came a tidal wave of discussions regarding Chick-fil-a... a company I hadn't even heard of before. From what I understand it's a religious fast food place that sells chicken and has the weirdest slogan ever. When I first saw the slogan I thought one of my friends was mocking them. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized it's supposed to be on signs held by cows.

I was already pretty much the last person on their list of potential customers. As a Canadian I live nowhere near their restaurants. As an atheist I have no interest in going into a restaurant where the food wrappers have religious slogans and praise music blares through the speakers. And as a vegetarian I don't think they've got anything other than fries for me to eat. So my boycott of Chick-fil-a was pretty much symbolic.

What I want for all my friends is for them to be able to marry the person they fall in love with (or live common law if they so choose). I want them to be able to have kids if they want. I want them to be able to share dental benefits, go broke on a mortgage together, and in the worst case scenario be there in the ICU signing papers and speaking to doctors.

If your religious beliefs don't allow for same sex marriage, the answer is pretty simple. Don't get married to someone of the same sex. Same sex marriage has been legal in Canada for about a decade now and our country is chugging along just as usual. God did not smite us. Marriage between straight couples still occurs. Children are still being born. There are still Christians. There are still churches. There are still Christian churches who won't perform same sex marriages. And there are Christian churches who willingly do.

The thing about prejudice is it's an "us versus them" situation. Once you lump people into a group, you lose sight of individuals and see nothing more than a formless mass of "them".

My great-grandmother was born in Northern Ireland in a small town near Belfast. She moved to Canada when she was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8 years old. In Ireland, she used to drive her own little pony and cart to and from school. My parents still have her little wooden riding crop. Every morning her mother would warn her to "watch out for those Catholics... if they catch you they'll drag you off your cart and throw you over the cliffs". Nanaimo Nana lived to be 83 years old and to the day she died she believed there were Catholics and then there were good Catholics, the ones she knew personally who were different from the rest.

That's prejudice; the scary, faceless them. An amorphous mass of other, identified by nothing more than a name. How many of you who are against gay rights are thinking of people when you hear the word "gay"? Are you thinking of the red-headed teenager ringing in your order? Are you thinking of the women ziplining at a nearby park? Or the two men sitting quietly at an outdoor concert? Are you thinking of your child's music teacher? Someone in a military uniform.You probably aren't thinking of any people at all. And if you are, are they the "exceptions"? Because there are no exceptions when you're talking about a group of people. If you know one person out of a group, you know one person. An exception assumes that everyone else in the group is pretty much the same.

I tend to rant about prejudice in general. I don't want to hear about "them". You start talking about Hindus and I think of my boss who gave me a bunch of peppers out of her garden. Muslims and I think of my young co-worker who shyly explained the bracelet on his wrist, symbolizing the love between him and his sisters. Blacks... I think about my coworker who shares her lunch with me (I share too) and the friend I used to go camping with when the kids were small. The list goes on. I'm a white, middle aged Canadian female. That doesn't make me the same as every other white, middle aged Canadian female. As soon as you start referring to a group of people like they're all exactly the same, I know you're prejudiced.

All I'm asking is that when you start thinking of people as a group, stop and think. Get to know people, listen and learn. Don't just go with feelings in an argument. Your religious beliefs are just that. Yours. Use them as a guide in your life, live by them, but please remember they are yours. You  have no right to tell others how to live based on your own beliefs. Let them have their own lives and their own beliefs.

Above all be kind and be fair.

My Christmas Wish

I love Christmas. It's, hands down, my most favourite holiday. I love the lights, the music, the decorations, the candles, picking out presents for family and friends, writing cards, receiving cards (and finding out how friends and family have fared over the previous year), baking, and spending time with family and friends. I've got bins of candles and decorations. Each year I swear I'm going to wait until November 25th before I start decorating. Each year I cave about a week early.

But what I love the most about the holiday is the spirit. I love how this holiday brings everyone together no matter what their culture or religion. I'm sure there are people out there who hate the holiday but I have yet to met one. I've got coworkers who come to work one week with their hands decorated for Eid and the next week they're oohing over Christmas ornaments and which ones to get. I've got friends who go right from celebrating Hanukkah to stuffing stockings for the kids. Christmas is ingrained in our culture.

The only thing I hate about Christmas are the emails and messages determined to turn the holiday into an "us against them" situation. The mildest are the "show you're going to put the CHRIST into CHRISTmas" forwards and shares. I know Christians celebrate the birth of Christ on December 25... even though it wasn't the actual day of his birth. If someone wants to celebrate Christmas with minimal fuss and decorations, remembering Christ as their saviour, and attending church during their holiday, that is their choice and I respect it. What I don't respect is the underlying divisiveness. Show that you put Christ in Christmas (unlike some others). I thought it was part of the Christian religion to be meek and never boastful about your faith. To pray quietly and privately. Giant shout outs to prove who celebrates Christ the most seems neither meek or private.

The emails that bother me the most are the truly divisive ones that start off announcing they don't care who they offend and usually end with an "if you don't like this, move back to your own country". When on earth did prejudice and racism become part of Christmas?

I don't know anyone who refers to a Christmas tree as a Holiday tree. The emails go around constantly every holiday season yet the only time I've ever heard of a "holiday tree" was years ago in Toronto. And, from what I remember, it was a group of white Christians who were worried they might offend others if they called it a Christmas tree (despite the tree standing without complaint for years).

I know that some schools have Holiday or Winter Concerts instead of Christmas Concerts. Our elementary school was very multi-cultural and had a Winter Concert. We still had a bunch of kindergarten kids singing "Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer" (if they weren't talking to each other, waving at family, or picking their noses), grade one kids singing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" and grade two kids singing "I'm getting nutting for Christmas". Somewhere, I think there's a law stating those three songs are mandatory in concerts. I've heard that some schools don't allow any Christmas carols at all in the concerts. I think that's a shame. A winter concert should have songs from all sorts of cultures... and that includes Christmas carols.

As for people who look at advertisements to *prove* Christmas is turning into a generic holiday season... just pardon me while I laugh for a minute...

... okay... advertisements are written by people who want to sell products. They don't really care who's buying the product. They don't care if you're buying that doll as a Christmas present or a Hanukkah gift or for Kwanzaa... they just want the darn thing sold. I spent years teaching my kids not to look to advertising for facts, only to find out there's adults who look at Wal-Mart ads to find proof of how their holiday is celebrated.

And then there's the people who believe they own Christmas and list demands of who is allowed and not allowed to celebrate *their* holiday. How on earth could my tree, stockings, and decorations offend anyone? Scroll up... do they look horribly offensive?

So my biggest wish this holiday season is for my friends to celebrate which ever holiday (or holidays) they choose and to have a great time. Spend time with the people you care about... show them you love them... and stop frigging worrying about whether everyone else is celebrating the same way as you. Let them celebrate the way they want. I assure you that your own holidays will be a lot more enjoyable.

Trip to the dentist... take two (and Thanksgiving)

Back in August, my son went to the dentist and needed a filling. Just a small filling but it was deep enough that the dentist decided he would need some freezing. It would only take five minutes total.

Son freaked. Completely and utterly freaked. Enough that the dentist decided he would do better sedated. Naively I pictured a mask (as did son) and agreed.

We went into the dentist last month for the initial assessment. This was when we realized it was IV sedation. But he would get oral medication to relax him first and laughing gas. He probably wouldn't notice the needle. Famous last words.

Fast forward to today. We went off with Emla patches on his hand and inside of his elbow. Son got two little pills to place under his tongue, then we sat in the waiting room for a half hour while he got sleepy and a bit giggly. He giggled his way to the dentist's chair and laughed at his "clown nose" (the laughing gas mask). So we were all taken a bit by surprise when he went into freaking hysterics when the needle was being inserted. Son is not a little kid, they actually thought he was 18 years old when we walked in (they were off by four years) and he's strong. There was no way we could hold him down for a needle... not even the four of us together.

They decided to pull out the big guns and stuck him in the arm with some needle. Note I don't have a freaking clue what they injected him with... I'm sure they told me but I was draped across a hysterical teen and it flew right over my head. Whatever it was worked though, he was frantically crying one second and asleep the next. He never even noticed the IV being inserted.

They called me in after the filling was done. His eyes were open but he wasn't home. He didn't react to my voice... didn't track my finger when I waved it in front of his eyes. Then he started shaking. The nurse said that was common. Then informed me he was so out of it, he'd probably sleep all afternoon. I had visions of me working on my novel and getting some baking done while he blissfully snoozed on the couch. HA!

The first warning sign was when he woke up and discovered we were at the dentist. Where was the treasure box? He needed a prize. Thankfully he got his toy, even though he hasn't had one in years. The box is full of toys aimed at small children (bouncy balls, plastic bracelets, foam airplanes) as a reward for making it through their appointment.

Second warning sign was on the way to the car when he started insisting he could walk on his own... while falling against my arm with his head lolling on his shoulder.

For the last two hours he's been up every minute (two at the longest). He's hallucinated, cried, laughed, demanded food (only to want a single bite of yogourt), then passed out for a minute. Only to start up again and again. I'd naively figured I could run downstairs and chuck in a load of laundry while he napped. Instead I found myself scared to use the bathroom because son was positive he was fine and could walk and kept getting up.

"Mo-om... I can walk all by myself," he'd slur while staggering into a wall. "I just want to sleep in my own bed," he'd protest. Meanwhile he has a loft bed. Mr. Staggering-into-walls is not climbing a ladder to his loft bed. Especially when he's going to attempt climbing back down in 60 seconds.

I think, hope, the worst is over. He's physically able to sit up on his own now (something he couldn't do a half hour ago) and is calmly watching YouTube videos. He just walked into the kitchen a minute ago without holding onto anything or walking into a single wall.

I had grand plans of blogging what I'm thankful for this weekend. Then ended up busy enough that I didn't have time. Which, in itself is something to be thankful for.

I worked on Saturday and walked home in absolutely incredible weather. It felt more like balmy mid-June weather instead of early October. I was tired of being inside and packed son up so we could go on a walk. Unfortunately, I worked until 3:30pm, so by the time I got home, collected son, got a bite to eat, and hopped on the bus, it was after 5pm. The sun was setting at the beginning of our walk and dusk began to fall just as we got into the more heavily wooded part of the trail. Since it's not lit, we decided to bail. Thankfully we were about a block away from the bus that takes us directly home. The walk was still wonderful and I got a few amazing pictures of the moon. This is one of my favourite shots.

Sunday was even more incredible than Saturday and, once again, I couldn't imagine just sitting at home. Son was a bit more resistant about going out so I agreed to just go across the street to our local trail. The first part of the trail is very short and, for a decent hike, I usually walk into the back of the park and hit the dirt trails. I hadn't been there since July when I discovered the trails were completely overgrown and was thankful to discover those vines had died off and the trail was once again clear. The sunlight poured like thick, warm honey across us and the trees. It truly was bonus weather! Son invited his friends over for Thanksgiving dinner then went to their place for a sleepover.

I'd just woken up on Monday morning when my phone rang. A friend of mine wanted to know if I'd be interested in going to his sister's house with him. I didn't have any plans for the morning so said "sure". I'm pretty easy to entertain. I'm equally as likely to say "sure" for a run through the car wash. I was a little surprised to find out his partner wasn't coming with us, then more surprised to discover his sister didn't know son and I were coming. Surprise doesn't cover finding out we were heading over there so he could read over his father's will. Thankfully his father's alive and well and the will reading was over in five minutes.

As I said in the car, when I start wishing that I could get out of the house and talk about *anything* other than elevators and Minecraft (which I don't play)... I really need to get more specific.

The visit was fun though. My friend's nephew is a year younger than son and both are right into Lego, Pokemon, and Nintendo. Friend's sister asked if we wanted to go to the Brick Works and I, of course, said "sure" even though I really wasn't sure what the Brick Works were.

The Brick Works were amazing! We started out at the kilns. The whole area is covered in spray painted art and there was a bride getting her pictures taken in there. Scattered around the building are long, skinny tunnels with tracks running through them. They were originally built for drying bricks. Behind that was a courtyard where I took this picture. We didn't get into the wooded trails as son was wearing flip-flops. Instead we followed trails around a turtle pond, while the kids ran up hills. Monday, weather-wise, was the best day of the weekend. It was shorts and t-shirts weather and felt more like a hot August afternoon.

We went to my parents' house for dinner that evening and had a quiet family dinner. Then sat out in the backyard until dark.

I've spent much of the weekend thinking about what I'm thankful for and there are a lot of things. Most are pretty obvious. I'm thankful for the health of myself and my family. I'm thankful we live in a country with fresh, clean water readily available at the turn of a tap.

I'm thankful that I live in an area where driving isn't a necessity. I'm scatterbrained and almost never remember my left and right so this should be something everyone's thankful for. I have four buses that go by my home almost every day multiple times a day (one bus doesn't run on weekends).

I'm thankful I live in a country where being an atheist is seen as more of quirk than a sign of moral deficiency... unlike the States which had George Bush announce, before he was elected, that he didn't know if "atheists should be considered as citizens".

I'm thankful that I can walk across the street seven days a week and pick up clean, fresh, and healthy food at a reasonable price. And I'm thankful I have a kitchen with a stove, fridge, sink, and microwave in which to prepare that food.

I'm thankful for my pets... goofy critters that they are.

I'm thankful I'm literate and surrounded by books.

I'm thankful for my kids. They have enriched and changed my life in uncountable ways.

I'm thankful for my friends. They have shared my laughter, my tears, and seen me in all states of quirky.

I could go on forever but, since I've crammed the equivalent of three blogs into one, I won't.