Great levels of derpness

Story of my life...

I went to the Y with my son today with the goal of working out on the elliptical while he was taking his swimming lessons. We had a 20 minute bus ride then a 5 minute walk. In the 5 minute walk I realized I really needed to use the bathroom.

I dug my Y card out to scan, then stuck it in my coat pocket. I zipped the pocket because with my luck the card would fall into the toilet. Went to my usual locker and started digging out my exercise clothes. I went to put the card into the locker... tugged on the zipper. It wouldn't open. Wedged tight with fabric.

Okay, no problem. I'll just close it a bit, push away the fabric, then pull the zipper back down. Except the fabric still stayed jammed. Ten freaking minutes later I admitted defeat and went to get a guest pass so I could use the locker while I still had time to exercise. My Y card is still in my pocket. Thankfully my keys and cell phone were in the OTHER pocket.

A few days ago I was at work. We have a sweet hot drink topped with a whipped topping and drizzle. The whipped topping comes in a plastic bag with a nozzle at the end. The bag was *almost* empty and I was squeezing the last little bit out when, wham, the nozzle shot out and hit the side of the cup. Of course the cup wobbled and all the whipped topping poured out onto the packets of sugar and sweetener on the counter. I attempted to grab it, I don't know why, and ended up knocking the whole cup over. Customer's watching me.

Okay, I'll try that again. Get a new cup, turn on the beverage machine, get a new bag of whipped topping, go find scissors to cut it open. Customer asks if I'm almost done. I start to say "yes" then look at the cup filled with brownish water. We're out of the powdered beverage mix.

Yep... I've got a line up, an impatient customer, no whipped topping, and I need to fill the beverage container AND clean off the counter AND replace all the sugars and sweeteners. That's my life.

The last one really showcases my derpness. It's pretty much derpness squared. I have a habit of saying "Got to stop smoking the crack" when I make a mistake. I say this if I mistype something on the cash register or tell someone they ordered $7.64 worth of items when they ordered $4.67. Basically I say this multiple times a day.

It's dark and early one morning and I'm ringing in a breakfast order. Type the wrong thing in again and make my crack announcement. Look up at two very confused looking police officers. Blink a bit.

"Umm... the bagels will be at that counter."

Whisper to co-worker "Crack is smoked right?" The officers looked so confused I couldn't tell if it was because I said I smoked crack to them or because I said it and that's not what you do with it. And in that case I'd been saying it wrong to a whole lot of people. Apparently it is smoked.